Here’s the gist:
When you’re holding a secret from someone, if you’re withholding some information that may directly concern them, it can lead to increasing distance. That may be okay if it’s not someone you care to be closer to. But the problem is when it’s with someone you Do care to be close with. When you’re holding back important information, whether it’s: “I checked your phone” or “I’m cheating” or “I like someone else” or “I’m mad at you,” you will pull away from that person, usually both energetically and physically. From there, you may also start treating them differently, often with less kindness and respect.
And with this continued withholding and withdrawing, the distance between you widens. From that distance, it’s easier to start judging them as wrong, inadequate, stupid, mean, etc. Judgement creates even more distance.
Another thing that may happen when you’re holding a secret is you may start to project that your partner is doing the same thing. You may think, “I like someone else so they do too!” Or, “I’m not being honest so I bet they’re not either!” Or, “I don’t like how I look so they probably don’t like how I look either.”
Of course, projection is another great way to further the distance between you. And from that place, it’s easier to create conflict by starting arguments with accusations, hurt feelings, etc.
So if you want to experience distance instead of closeness with your partner or anyone else, keeping secrets, being judgmental and projecting your experiences onto them are great ways to go about it! But I bet that’s not what you want.
Why do you do it?
Probably because you’re scared. Most people are scared of some sort of rejection or abandonment, though they may not realize it. On the surface, it may look like they don’t want to start a fight, hurt the person’s feelings, be accused of something or cause someone to get mad. But deeper down, your withholding is an effort to maintain a feeling of safety. It’s basically a type of control or manipulation to keep from being hurt.
But it eats away at you. You see, when you withhold important information, you’re not living in integrity. And you can’t feel fully radiant and alive without being in integrity. Not only that, but it’s hard to make a true connection with someone when you’re not in full integrity. So you affect not only your own wellbeing but your relationships when you’re dishonest and keeping secrets.
What’s the solution?
Tell the truth.
I know, this can be really scary because you don’t know what will happen. And of course, you have NO Control over how the other person will respond, even though you think you do and that’s why you’ve been holding back. But, if you don’t speak the truth, you will keep the distance growing.
So how do you tell the truth skillfully? Well, I’ve shared a few tips on that in my 3 Relationship Mistakes Guide. Did you read that yet? If you haven’t signed up for the guide, you can get it here.
And here’s some exciting news: I’m planing to offer a Free 5-Day Challenge in early 2019 around how to reduce relationship conflicts where I will expand on what’s in the guide. So look for that in January!! And if you’re not already on my relationships list, make sure you sign up to get notified.
But for now, check out that guide and start practicing these simple tips. They will take you a long way towards living in integrity which means you get to feel more energetic and alive AND feel more connected to the people you care about!!
Please leave a comment or a question below. I’m happy to support you with this!
To Your Relationship Health,
Robyn Smith
Conscious Thriving Relationships
Feel free to contact me here if you have any questions or would like to set up a free consultation: robyn@consciousthrivingrelationships.com
Have you seen my 3-Week Plan to up-leveling your relationship? Sign up to get it here.
And check our our Women-only Facebook community for lots of extra support: Healthy Relationships Sisterhood.
Here’s our Facebook Page for videos and tips: https://www.facebook.com/ConsciousThrivingRelationships/
